No Yell Zone

Wow, life has been crazy busy, I cannont believe how long it has been since I have posted, I somehow completely missed the month of March. We spent the first week of April on a much needed and relaxing vacation with family, more on that some other time though. We did realize something while we were gone, we need to adjust the way we discipline our children. There has been a whole lot of yelling going on, and that accomplishes NOTHING!

So my husband and I decided we needed a change, we needed a consequence when we dealt with the children by yelling. His suggesstion was taking away coffee. I know, that would be a huge sacrafice, if you know me, you know I LOVE my coffee. But that really would only work in the morning or if we were drinking coffee at the time, we needed something that would work anytime. So, we came up with writing penalties. Yup, penalties. It was something my husband had to do as a consequence when he was growing up and something that we have used on occassion for our own children. Now, it needed to be more than, "I will not yell at the children." So, the Bible verse hunt began. We looked at several different options and finally settled on one. Proverbs 15:1

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
This is to be written 25 times by the purpotrator as a reminder that yelling is not accomplishing anything except making things worse for everyone.

It's amazing how yelling has such a negative effect, when one person yells then someone else starts yelling, or crying, or something else. No one, and I mean no one, benefits from yelling.

Confession time, since we started doing this at the beginning of the week I have had to write the penalties twice, and my husband once. That being said though, I will admit that it makes me think more before just reacting against the kids. It's a good reminder to take a deep breath and talk to the kids instead of yelling or even talking at them. You know what I mean by "talking at" them. It's not quite yelling but there is a definate negative tone and attitude behind it. I am learning to think more and react less, and I'm sure that's something we all could do a little more of.

A birthday and a call from the school nurse

Today is our second son's birthday. Blake is six today, so hard to believe. That's a picture of him around Christmas with a new costume he got, he loves to dress up. And of course his cousin Libby is with him :) I sent him and his brother off to school this morning, and of course a yummy birthday treat for his class.

I had made my list this morning and was checking things off. I have a very busy week this week. Lots to do in youth ministry, and just in life in general. My to-do list helps me to feel less overwhelmed and more in control. I had a plan for today, hey I had a plan for the week. Everything was set, I just needed to take care of things and check them off my list.

Then my cell phone rang, it was the school nurse. My oldest son wasn't feeling well and had a fever. I told her I would come and pick him up as soon as I could. I got myself and the 2 little ones ready and we picked him up. Just like that my plans for the day changed. Isn't that how life goes sometimes?

We make our plans, make our lists, we have everything set out and ready to go in our time, and something changes. That's when we have to learn to roll with it. My kids have to be priority over youth ministry, they have to know how important it is. This does not mean that what I have to get done this week will not get done, this just means that I have to juggle things around a bit and focus on my priorities.

And another reminder that my family has to be a priority. How are you doing on your priorities? Does your family come in a top spot, or are they constantly put on the back burner because of deadlines?

somethings you never forget

It"s been 2 years and yet sometimes it feels like only yesterday. A Wednesday morning, we were sitting in staff meeting when my mom called, I didn't answer, but then she texted me, "call me now" is what it said, I knew something was wrong, but I had no way of knowing what it was. My sister and 2 of her children were in a car accident, a bad one. Before I knew it I was driving to Columbus, I didn't even know where I was going when I got on the road. I could go into great deal, I remember it all vividly, being ushered into the small room in the er at the hospital my sister was in, her in-laws already there, and my heart sank, I knew but my mind begged for them to say otherwise. I could hardly breath as I called Ryan to tell him  our sweet 4 month old nephew was now cradled in the arms of Jesus. I was mad that my mom had not told me on the phone, but  understood that she didn't want to be the one to tell me, especially as I made the 2 hour drive on the icy roads. It was a long day, a long couple of weeks sitting in the hospital, waiting for news, it was exhausting. I think of Lewis often as I watch my daughter, just 3 months older than him, oh what trouble I am sure the 2 of them would have caused together. I am thankful for the joy that Lewis is in heaven, grateful that I will see him again someday. And I am reminded that life is precious and it is a gift. Today I am reminded to hold my children tighter, to enjoy them more and never take for granted hugs, kisses, snuggles, and I love yous.

I am thankful that my sister and my neice survived and that my beautiful neice is a daily reminder of how God moves and orchestrates miracles. I can't wait to see how she continues to heal, how she continues to grow, and all the lives I know she will touch, she has touched so many already.

Switching roles

I love being co-pastors with my husband, working side by side with him and having my best friend to share this crazy journey of ministry with. We have been doing ministry together for almost 10 years now and we have a pretty good system worked out. We each have our normal things that we do. I have always been the more admistrative side of things, planning, writing, sending in forms, and so on and so forth. And my husband has always been a bit of the more outgoing out front person. And I am prefectly comfortable being more in the background. Well, God is certainly pushing me out of my comfort zone. While my husband is stuck on the sidelines I have had to reliquish some of my administrative duties to him for my own sanities sake. I mean, it's a lot of work taking care of a husband, 4 kids, a house, and youth ministry stuff, and I'm tired. So, I need to lighten my load, some of that comes in the way of prioritizing, is it more important for my children to eat, or the basement to be cleaned. Part of me says the basement because then the kids could spend more time down there ;) Okay, but in all seriousness, you get my point. I am quickly realizing that although I really do like to be in control of things (yes, I am admitting it). I NEED to let some things go and let some other people help out.

Included in that is switching some roles with my husband. I have to take on some of the things that I normally just let fall to him, and I need him to take on some of the roles that I normally tackle myself. It's part of being a partnership and working together, it's part of the beauty of being co-pastors, having someone that you can switch roles with when need be. I am so blessed to work with my husband like I do, and I'm so thankful that when I get overwhelmed by the craziness of life and havig to step out of my comfort zone and do the things I don't always like doing, he is my encourager and helps me to keep my sanity. I am also thankful that he puts up with my constant questions about why he does things certain ways even though, "it's not the way I normally do things."

Although there are certainly challenges to being co-pastors, I have been reminded lately of all of the blessings :)

Forgotten Dreams

I have dreams, there have always been things that I have dreamed of doing, and then, life happened. Most of those dreams have been forgotten and pushed to the side, but some of those dreams seem to sit just out of reach in my mind. Close enough that if I reached, if I stretched myself and got outside of my comfort zone, I could touch them, I could grab hold and actually do something about them. So, what is stopping me? What is it that keeps me from really stretching out and grabbing hold? Fear.

Yes, fear. Fear of failure and fear of putting myself out there. Fear that things won't turn out exactly as I have envisioned, and they seldom do. However, sometimes things don't turn out as I have envisioned because God has something far grander in store, far greater than I could have ever imagined.

I need to remember that "I can do all things throught Christ who gives me strength." Maybe if I lethim gve me the push I need to reachout and take hold of that dream, maybe if I truly believe that I am capable with his strength, I can do something I have just dreamed about doing. So, here I go, I am jumping in. I am taking the leap towards that dream I have set aside for so long. I don't really know how I will do it, and I don't know exactly what it will look like, but I know the one who does, and I know that he orchestrates good and beautiful things. So, stay tuned for news of my dream unfolding, it's time I stop sitting on the sidelines and start getting something done.

What are your dreams you have placed just out of reach? Are you willing to let God challenge and equip you to help you realize those dreams?

Return to "normal"?

The older 2 kids have gone back to school today, I would be lying if I didn't admit to being a bit excited about that. The younger 2 are watching a cartoon at the moment and I am enjoying my coffee, my second cup for the morning of course. It's back to staff meeting this morning and trying to get back to "normal", whatever that is.

My husband was injured doing a roofing job at my parent's house about a month ago. We thought he was getting better, we saw the end in sight, until we got news last week that he wasn't healing, he would have to go to a specialist at the Cleveland Clinic and have surgery. Ugh, frusterated would definately describe how I felt when I got the news. January is not a good month for my family, the last 2 have not gone well at all, and I didn't need this on my plate this year. But, my God is bigger than it all. So with my Bible, my coffee, and a praying heart I will move forward. Trying to get back to "normal" while taking on extra tasks and figuring in extra doctors appointments and giving up things that I plan on for me. It's not easy but I can't complain, I saw where my husband slipped on the roof, I saw the possibilities of what could have been, and I am grateful that I don't have to deal with any of that as a reality.

So, I will take our current situation and make the best of every moment and let God carry this very tired woman through each day. And yes, there are piles of laundry and my house is not as clean as I prefer, but my four beautiful kids deserve more of my attention than a dirty floor or a pile of laundry.

Insignificant

That's pretty much how I have always felt, insignificant, unimportant, just not good enough. And I have always felt justified in feeling that way. There was always a reason and always something that I wa doing to try and feel less insignificant.
If only I could...
If only someone would...
If only...

There was always some reason why I felt not good enough. This is how it was in high school, how it was in college, and how it has continued into my adult life. I just have never felt good enough. The quiet me who didn't speak up in class for fear of being wrong or being made fun of. Who tried not to put herself out there for fear of being hurt. The one who people don't really remember. The one who always second guesses herself and feels as though what she has to say has absolutely no significance.

I have been WRONG.

I am a daughter of the most high king, I am significant, I am special, and I do matter!

It has taken me 30 years to get to that point. What a shame that is. I have wasted my time keeping things to myself, thoughts, opinions, insights. I have sat back and watched the world go by. I have inturnally struggled with many things.

God did not call us to be timid and meek, to be insignificant. He has made each one of us because we matter. My low self-esteem an feelings of insignificance have cost me and almost cost me many things over the years. What a mistake I have made.

God didn't make me insignificant. I matter to him, I am precious and beloved. And, if he gives me words to say, then those words matter, no matter if I think that they matter or not. Not sharing when God prompts me to is disobedience.

I pray that God gives me boldness, confidence and courage. Do not mistake this for cockiness or pride. Apart from God I can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible. I just have to do my part to be the willing vessel.

What has God been asking you to do that you have felt to insignificant for or too unimportant to do? Do you trust God? Trust him to be your equipper and enabler.

"Good and Saved"

I was ordained about a year and a half ago, it was a long process that I worked very hard for. It was an amazing moment in my life, one I will never forget. I will also remember my interview, but one moment in particular.

We were talking about sanctification and how to explain it to teenagers. One man spoke up and said something about teenagers never really being sanctified, that he'd just be happy if they got, "good and saved".

A year and a half later and I still continue to think about that statement. It sits in the back of my mind and it bothers me. It bothers me because of it's truth. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to entertain teenagers that we aren't discipling them. They are learning how to "do church" instead of how to BE the church.

I have watched many teenagers over the years become really good at pretending to be good Christians. Most of them are good kids. They don't do anything really bad, but they certainly aren't in love with Jesus either.

I know, I know because that was me. I was really good at pretending. But I was a mediocre Christian at best. I know what to say, and I knew where to look in my Bible. I knew the stories and I knew the songs. I didn't smoke, or drink, or party. But I wasn't consumed with God. I spent way too much of my time and energy on things other than God. I wasn't "good and saved". But I was a master of pretending.

It literally breaks my heart. I have been exhausted and consumed by it lately. So, what is next? How do week keep teenagers from a life of mediocrity when they were made for a life of excellence?

Looking out for me

I have many roles that I juggle and balance on a daily basis. I am a wife, mother, youth pastor, dish washer, driver, house cleaner, laundry folder, cook, baker, and the list goes on, and on, and on. Some of the tasks I enjoy more than others, and some of those tasks are far more important. However, there is one role that I did mention, a role that should take presidence over everything else, and yet somehow, sometimes, it becomes the last thing on my list.

No more! It's not okay and it's not acceptable. I am looking out for me.

I am a daughter of the most gracious, wonderful, loving Father, I am a child of God.

I have forgotten my place. I have gotten busy and been doing and doing and doing some more. I am worn out and tired. I am drained, I have forgotten.

I have made a point to take a change, my day begins with the number one role on my list, child of God. I get up early, before my kids and sometimes before my husband, I grab my Bible and a cup of coffee, and I start my day off with my Father. Nothing gets me through a crazy busy day better than his words. I attend a Bible Study once a week, a Bible Study for me. I do not lead, I am in charge, no one there knows I am a pastor. There I get to be daughter. I get to drink in his love and grace for me. I get to be filled. I get to look out for me.

And then, I get to take my filling and pour it out into my other roles, into being a loving wife and mother, and being a youth pastor filled with God. How can I be for others if I'm not first looking out for me?

Are you looking out for you? Do you fill yourself with the love of Christ so that you can then pour it out on others?

NO Limits

Romans 15:7 says, " Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you,"

Interesting isn't it. There are no stipulations to that, no small fine print at the bottom of the page or found in the foot notes. Accept one another, no limits.

Jesus didn't pick and choose who he accepted, in fact, he accepted those that others would usually ignore and pretend like they didn't exist, or they would make fun of and tear down. Not Jesus, he had no limits to his acceptance of others.

I find myself caught in a dilema sometimes. I put limits on who I accept, I make excuses and give, "reasons" why I cannot accept some people. My how God has convicted me. Why would I ever think that there is anything about me that makes me any better than any other person ever? I am not saying that I just think that I'm this great person who is so above others, that is not my intent at all.

What I am saying is that sometimes I put limits on who I accept, maybe it's because I don't think I have anything in common with someone, maybe it's because I just don't know what to say or where I would begin, maybe it's because I don't feel like someone would want to even be talking to me. Something that I have learned as a mother of some very friendly children, sometimes a smile and a simply hello can go a long way.

So, no limits in who to accept. NO LIMITS!

Forgiveness in part

Forgiveness, ugh. Not THAT word again. Sometimes we treat it as such an aweful thing, why should I forgive them? I have been preparing for our Thursday nights for next month, and forgiveness is the topic of the month. It's not always easy to forgive, in fact it's sometimes downright difficult. However as Christians, if we are really living our lives surrendered to God, it should be more difficult for us not to forgive. Unforgiveness is something that should eat away at us, because it is something that seperates us from God.

I found something interesting as I was preparing for this topic. I like definitions, they help to put boundaries on words and ideas, to make them more concrete. So I looked up the definition of forgive and I noticed in particular definition #4, "to cease to feel resentment against." Oh it's like someone smacked me right square in the forehead on this one. We often times stop with the grant pardon for, but don't go far enough into the cease to feel resentment against. But that's true forgiveness isn't it? You know the phrase forgive and forget. Not forgive and store away hard feelings so that you can bring it up during an argument and throw it in the other person's face. Imagine if God did that to us. Kept a record of our wrongdoings just to throw them in our face when we are down. How ugly would that be? May I follow Christ's example of forgiveness. True forgiveness, to cease to feel resentment against.

Lord instill in me a heart of TRUE forgiveness.

The swimsuit dilema

Summer has it's perks that's for sure, but it's not my favorite season for more than one reason. First, it's HOT, especially this year, crazy hot, and I am not a fan of hot. I'll take the fall please, some rain and cool weather, but not too cold. Those days that I could wear a tshirt and jeans or pull out a long sleeve shirt if I feel like it, where I could wear boots or flip-flops and still be comfortable, yup, that's my kinda weather. The other reason I'm not a fan of summer, the clothes. I see way more of some people than I am comfortable seeing, and yes, I do know that even cold weather does not stop some. And it's hard to shop for clothes when it's hot out.

Ryan and I are taking a group of teens to camp this weekend, and we are all excited. I decided that I needed a new swimsuit for the weekend, and boy was that an adventure. It was a long day and hours of looking for something decent. Most stores that I went into I didn't even bother trying anything on because I knew it would have been a waste of my time. I finally found something at the 8th store that I was in. It was frustrating and aweful. It made me think though. No wonder so many young girls just settle on clothes sometimes. Maybe they don't feel completely comfortable in something, and maybe it's not exactly what they were looking for, but maybe they felt like they didn't have much of a choice.

Some clothing trends are getting better, longer shirts are in style, which is great because bellies aren't hanging out all the time anymore. But it is still a struggle to find clothes sometimes that are cute, comfortable, and modest. We need to teach our teen girls why it is important to be modest. It has a lot to do with respect for yourself and for other people, and teen girls don't understand it. If they understand why it is so important then maybe they will be willing to give up hours of time and go to 8 different stores in order to find that one thing. Maybe they will be more intentional and thoughtful and not just settle.

Assumptions

I seem to frequently find myself on the wrong side of other people's assumptions. You see, it's not always a bad thing, people often assume that I am younger than I am, unless they see that I have four children, and then the automatically assume that I am older than I am. People sometimes assume that I know what I am doing, when sometimes I am just trying to make it to the end of the day. People sometimes assume that I know how to fix problems or find something, when the truth is I may have created the problem or lost said thing being looked for so I really am of no help.

The assumption that really gets me though, the one that makes me cringe, the one that have faced for several years now. The assumption that I am, "the youth pastor's wife." I guess in part this assumption is true, somewhat. My husband in the youth pastor, but not alone. I am not just "the youth pastor's wife."

I don't believe that anyone has ever referred to my husband as "the youth pastor's husband", and I don't forsee that happening anytime in the future either. Not that there is anything wrong with being the "youth pastor's wife." There isn't, I know plenty, they are wonderful women. I sometimes would just like people to understand that just because I am a woman doesn't make me any less called than my husband or any less important or effective. God has called and equipped me just like he has my husband and I am so blessed to serve side-by-side with such a wonderful man.

That being said, I am also thankful for a husband, who doesn't understand at all what it is like to continually be referred to as, "the youth pastor's wife", of course not, he's a man, but despite that is more than happy to listen to my frustrations and reassure me that no matter how ignorant some people can be, that doesn't lessen my call any either.

Not my words

 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. (Jeremiah 1:9)

I was reading in Jeremiah yesterday and came across this verse. I don't know how many times I have read it before, but for some reason, it really struck me this time. Jeremiah was resisting God, he claimed that he was too young and that he did not know how to speak. I sometimes feel as though I do not know how to speak. My husband has a way with words, and with people. He always knows just the right thing to say, and I feel as though I am always fumbling over my words clumsily. I find myself finishing a conversation or a lesson and comparing myself to how my husband might have handled the same thing. My words are not eloquent and they do not flow smoothly. But this verse was a reminder to me, it's not about eloquent wording. It's not about long prayers, praying in front of people is something I do frequently and also something I find the most frightening. It's really about the heart of it all. If I am really serving God and seeking his will. If my deepest desire is to please God and to share his love with others, then no matter how much I think I can't do something he will equip me for that. I mean, isn't that how God works? He asks us to do things that we can't do on our own, we have no choice but to truely trust him and give him all the glory. It's not about me and how utterly self concious I usually feel. It's about God, sharing his love and bringing glory to his name.

A place to start

Here it is. A new blog for me to write down my feelings about life in co-pastoring ministry. It is a huge blessing as well as being a struggle. I am priviledged to be able to work side-by-side with my husband, not just as parents, but also as youth pastors. Life most days can be a challenge for sure, filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears. We have been married for 8 crazy years that have brought us 4 kids, 3 states, and 4 different ministry assignments. We have learned from each experience, good and bad, that we have been faced with. I believe that there is always something positive to glean from every situation, sometimes you just have to look a little harder than others.

Being a woman in ministry can be a challenge itself, add the fact that I work side-by-side with my husband and the challenge grows that much more. While I am slightly more introvert and quiet (to a point, I do have my loud side as well), my husband is much more outgoing, a people person who has never met a stranger. It makes for an interesting dynamic, but it also helps us to balance each other out, we were made for each other.

As I start out on this new adventure of blogging I am excited to be able to put into words some of the feelings that swim around in my head on a daily basis and I tread in the crazy waters that are my life. What a joy it is to serve God and what a great honor it is for me to be entusted with my children and with the teens that we minister to. I want them to grasp the concept that being a Christian is not simply about going to church on Sunday mornings and coming to a few activities, it is about being sold out and completely in love. Being a Christian is much more than mediocrity.