Insignificant

That's pretty much how I have always felt, insignificant, unimportant, just not good enough. And I have always felt justified in feeling that way. There was always a reason and always something that I wa doing to try and feel less insignificant.
If only I could...
If only someone would...
If only...

There was always some reason why I felt not good enough. This is how it was in high school, how it was in college, and how it has continued into my adult life. I just have never felt good enough. The quiet me who didn't speak up in class for fear of being wrong or being made fun of. Who tried not to put herself out there for fear of being hurt. The one who people don't really remember. The one who always second guesses herself and feels as though what she has to say has absolutely no significance.

I have been WRONG.

I am a daughter of the most high king, I am significant, I am special, and I do matter!

It has taken me 30 years to get to that point. What a shame that is. I have wasted my time keeping things to myself, thoughts, opinions, insights. I have sat back and watched the world go by. I have inturnally struggled with many things.

God did not call us to be timid and meek, to be insignificant. He has made each one of us because we matter. My low self-esteem an feelings of insignificance have cost me and almost cost me many things over the years. What a mistake I have made.

God didn't make me insignificant. I matter to him, I am precious and beloved. And, if he gives me words to say, then those words matter, no matter if I think that they matter or not. Not sharing when God prompts me to is disobedience.

I pray that God gives me boldness, confidence and courage. Do not mistake this for cockiness or pride. Apart from God I can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible. I just have to do my part to be the willing vessel.

What has God been asking you to do that you have felt to insignificant for or too unimportant to do? Do you trust God? Trust him to be your equipper and enabler.

"Good and Saved"

I was ordained about a year and a half ago, it was a long process that I worked very hard for. It was an amazing moment in my life, one I will never forget. I will also remember my interview, but one moment in particular.

We were talking about sanctification and how to explain it to teenagers. One man spoke up and said something about teenagers never really being sanctified, that he'd just be happy if they got, "good and saved".

A year and a half later and I still continue to think about that statement. It sits in the back of my mind and it bothers me. It bothers me because of it's truth. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to entertain teenagers that we aren't discipling them. They are learning how to "do church" instead of how to BE the church.

I have watched many teenagers over the years become really good at pretending to be good Christians. Most of them are good kids. They don't do anything really bad, but they certainly aren't in love with Jesus either.

I know, I know because that was me. I was really good at pretending. But I was a mediocre Christian at best. I know what to say, and I knew where to look in my Bible. I knew the stories and I knew the songs. I didn't smoke, or drink, or party. But I wasn't consumed with God. I spent way too much of my time and energy on things other than God. I wasn't "good and saved". But I was a master of pretending.

It literally breaks my heart. I have been exhausted and consumed by it lately. So, what is next? How do week keep teenagers from a life of mediocrity when they were made for a life of excellence?

Looking out for me

I have many roles that I juggle and balance on a daily basis. I am a wife, mother, youth pastor, dish washer, driver, house cleaner, laundry folder, cook, baker, and the list goes on, and on, and on. Some of the tasks I enjoy more than others, and some of those tasks are far more important. However, there is one role that I did mention, a role that should take presidence over everything else, and yet somehow, sometimes, it becomes the last thing on my list.

No more! It's not okay and it's not acceptable. I am looking out for me.

I am a daughter of the most gracious, wonderful, loving Father, I am a child of God.

I have forgotten my place. I have gotten busy and been doing and doing and doing some more. I am worn out and tired. I am drained, I have forgotten.

I have made a point to take a change, my day begins with the number one role on my list, child of God. I get up early, before my kids and sometimes before my husband, I grab my Bible and a cup of coffee, and I start my day off with my Father. Nothing gets me through a crazy busy day better than his words. I attend a Bible Study once a week, a Bible Study for me. I do not lead, I am in charge, no one there knows I am a pastor. There I get to be daughter. I get to drink in his love and grace for me. I get to be filled. I get to look out for me.

And then, I get to take my filling and pour it out into my other roles, into being a loving wife and mother, and being a youth pastor filled with God. How can I be for others if I'm not first looking out for me?

Are you looking out for you? Do you fill yourself with the love of Christ so that you can then pour it out on others?

NO Limits

Romans 15:7 says, " Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you,"

Interesting isn't it. There are no stipulations to that, no small fine print at the bottom of the page or found in the foot notes. Accept one another, no limits.

Jesus didn't pick and choose who he accepted, in fact, he accepted those that others would usually ignore and pretend like they didn't exist, or they would make fun of and tear down. Not Jesus, he had no limits to his acceptance of others.

I find myself caught in a dilema sometimes. I put limits on who I accept, I make excuses and give, "reasons" why I cannot accept some people. My how God has convicted me. Why would I ever think that there is anything about me that makes me any better than any other person ever? I am not saying that I just think that I'm this great person who is so above others, that is not my intent at all.

What I am saying is that sometimes I put limits on who I accept, maybe it's because I don't think I have anything in common with someone, maybe it's because I just don't know what to say or where I would begin, maybe it's because I don't feel like someone would want to even be talking to me. Something that I have learned as a mother of some very friendly children, sometimes a smile and a simply hello can go a long way.

So, no limits in who to accept. NO LIMITS!

Forgiveness in part

Forgiveness, ugh. Not THAT word again. Sometimes we treat it as such an aweful thing, why should I forgive them? I have been preparing for our Thursday nights for next month, and forgiveness is the topic of the month. It's not always easy to forgive, in fact it's sometimes downright difficult. However as Christians, if we are really living our lives surrendered to God, it should be more difficult for us not to forgive. Unforgiveness is something that should eat away at us, because it is something that seperates us from God.

I found something interesting as I was preparing for this topic. I like definitions, they help to put boundaries on words and ideas, to make them more concrete. So I looked up the definition of forgive and I noticed in particular definition #4, "to cease to feel resentment against." Oh it's like someone smacked me right square in the forehead on this one. We often times stop with the grant pardon for, but don't go far enough into the cease to feel resentment against. But that's true forgiveness isn't it? You know the phrase forgive and forget. Not forgive and store away hard feelings so that you can bring it up during an argument and throw it in the other person's face. Imagine if God did that to us. Kept a record of our wrongdoings just to throw them in our face when we are down. How ugly would that be? May I follow Christ's example of forgiveness. True forgiveness, to cease to feel resentment against.

Lord instill in me a heart of TRUE forgiveness.

The swimsuit dilema

Summer has it's perks that's for sure, but it's not my favorite season for more than one reason. First, it's HOT, especially this year, crazy hot, and I am not a fan of hot. I'll take the fall please, some rain and cool weather, but not too cold. Those days that I could wear a tshirt and jeans or pull out a long sleeve shirt if I feel like it, where I could wear boots or flip-flops and still be comfortable, yup, that's my kinda weather. The other reason I'm not a fan of summer, the clothes. I see way more of some people than I am comfortable seeing, and yes, I do know that even cold weather does not stop some. And it's hard to shop for clothes when it's hot out.

Ryan and I are taking a group of teens to camp this weekend, and we are all excited. I decided that I needed a new swimsuit for the weekend, and boy was that an adventure. It was a long day and hours of looking for something decent. Most stores that I went into I didn't even bother trying anything on because I knew it would have been a waste of my time. I finally found something at the 8th store that I was in. It was frustrating and aweful. It made me think though. No wonder so many young girls just settle on clothes sometimes. Maybe they don't feel completely comfortable in something, and maybe it's not exactly what they were looking for, but maybe they felt like they didn't have much of a choice.

Some clothing trends are getting better, longer shirts are in style, which is great because bellies aren't hanging out all the time anymore. But it is still a struggle to find clothes sometimes that are cute, comfortable, and modest. We need to teach our teen girls why it is important to be modest. It has a lot to do with respect for yourself and for other people, and teen girls don't understand it. If they understand why it is so important then maybe they will be willing to give up hours of time and go to 8 different stores in order to find that one thing. Maybe they will be more intentional and thoughtful and not just settle.

Assumptions

I seem to frequently find myself on the wrong side of other people's assumptions. You see, it's not always a bad thing, people often assume that I am younger than I am, unless they see that I have four children, and then the automatically assume that I am older than I am. People sometimes assume that I know what I am doing, when sometimes I am just trying to make it to the end of the day. People sometimes assume that I know how to fix problems or find something, when the truth is I may have created the problem or lost said thing being looked for so I really am of no help.

The assumption that really gets me though, the one that makes me cringe, the one that have faced for several years now. The assumption that I am, "the youth pastor's wife." I guess in part this assumption is true, somewhat. My husband in the youth pastor, but not alone. I am not just "the youth pastor's wife."

I don't believe that anyone has ever referred to my husband as "the youth pastor's husband", and I don't forsee that happening anytime in the future either. Not that there is anything wrong with being the "youth pastor's wife." There isn't, I know plenty, they are wonderful women. I sometimes would just like people to understand that just because I am a woman doesn't make me any less called than my husband or any less important or effective. God has called and equipped me just like he has my husband and I am so blessed to serve side-by-side with such a wonderful man.

That being said, I am also thankful for a husband, who doesn't understand at all what it is like to continually be referred to as, "the youth pastor's wife", of course not, he's a man, but despite that is more than happy to listen to my frustrations and reassure me that no matter how ignorant some people can be, that doesn't lessen my call any either.

Not my words

 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. (Jeremiah 1:9)

I was reading in Jeremiah yesterday and came across this verse. I don't know how many times I have read it before, but for some reason, it really struck me this time. Jeremiah was resisting God, he claimed that he was too young and that he did not know how to speak. I sometimes feel as though I do not know how to speak. My husband has a way with words, and with people. He always knows just the right thing to say, and I feel as though I am always fumbling over my words clumsily. I find myself finishing a conversation or a lesson and comparing myself to how my husband might have handled the same thing. My words are not eloquent and they do not flow smoothly. But this verse was a reminder to me, it's not about eloquent wording. It's not about long prayers, praying in front of people is something I do frequently and also something I find the most frightening. It's really about the heart of it all. If I am really serving God and seeking his will. If my deepest desire is to please God and to share his love with others, then no matter how much I think I can't do something he will equip me for that. I mean, isn't that how God works? He asks us to do things that we can't do on our own, we have no choice but to truely trust him and give him all the glory. It's not about me and how utterly self concious I usually feel. It's about God, sharing his love and bringing glory to his name.

A place to start

Here it is. A new blog for me to write down my feelings about life in co-pastoring ministry. It is a huge blessing as well as being a struggle. I am priviledged to be able to work side-by-side with my husband, not just as parents, but also as youth pastors. Life most days can be a challenge for sure, filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears. We have been married for 8 crazy years that have brought us 4 kids, 3 states, and 4 different ministry assignments. We have learned from each experience, good and bad, that we have been faced with. I believe that there is always something positive to glean from every situation, sometimes you just have to look a little harder than others.

Being a woman in ministry can be a challenge itself, add the fact that I work side-by-side with my husband and the challenge grows that much more. While I am slightly more introvert and quiet (to a point, I do have my loud side as well), my husband is much more outgoing, a people person who has never met a stranger. It makes for an interesting dynamic, but it also helps us to balance each other out, we were made for each other.

As I start out on this new adventure of blogging I am excited to be able to put into words some of the feelings that swim around in my head on a daily basis and I tread in the crazy waters that are my life. What a joy it is to serve God and what a great honor it is for me to be entusted with my children and with the teens that we minister to. I want them to grasp the concept that being a Christian is not simply about going to church on Sunday mornings and coming to a few activities, it is about being sold out and completely in love. Being a Christian is much more than mediocrity.